3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
