I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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