OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
