So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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