really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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