my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
