his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
