Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
