this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
