Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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