I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
