9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
