I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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