This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
