Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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