I'm so fucking centered right now
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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