were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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