i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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