i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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