I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
