Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
