so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
