no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
