I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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