I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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