the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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