I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
