I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
me + whiskey = a bad person
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
