hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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