Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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