I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
