I think I died a long time ago.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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