your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
