8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
