Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
