I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
