i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
