I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
being pregnant is like rehab
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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