Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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