i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
