took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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