Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
