he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
