god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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