Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my phone needs a breathalizer
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
