im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
