Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
