need another drink. this is the easiest way
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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