Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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