I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
